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MEAD VOLUNTEER FIRE AND RESCUE DEPARTMENT     |  
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FUNNIES
A man who worked for the fire department came
       home from work one day and  told his wife, "You
      know, honey... we have a
       wonderful system at the fire
       station.
       "Bell 1" rings and we all put on our jackets.
       "Bell 2" rings and we all slide down the pole.
       "Bell 3" rings and we're on the fire truck ready
       to go.
       from now on, we are going to run this house the
       same way. When I say "Bell 1" I want you to strip
       naked.
       When I say "Bell 2" I want you to jump in bed.
       When I say "Bell 3" we are going to make love all
       night.   
       The next night he came
       home from work and yelled
       "Bell 1." The wife
       took off all her
       clothes.
       He shouted "Bell 2" and the wife jumped in bed.
       "Bell 3" he yelled, and
        they began making love.   After two minutes the
        wife yelled "Bell 4."
        What  is "Bell 4?" asked her husband.
        "I need more hose" she replied,
       "you're no where near the fire".

A guy is sitting at a bar talking to the bartender when the town's  fire and rescue alarm sounds. The guy quickly finishes his beer and starts toward the door. The bartender yells at the guy and says "I didn't know you are on the fire dept". The guy turns and says " I'm not, but my girlfreind's husband is!!
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
 notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders  hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has
the  wagon tied to a dog and a cat.  The fire fighter says,"Hey little partner, what are you doing?"
 The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my
fire  truck"   The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That's sure is a nice fire truck",
the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks mister", the boy says.
 The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
 run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster".
 The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I
wouldn't  have a siren."

Emergency Medical Services
(stupid) Frequently Asked Questions
with answers!


Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse
the hell out of you while you are doing it.
Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum?
(or any other request for directions)
A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.
Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music
and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.
Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.
Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and Federal Government gets through
with my check.
Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my butt kicked by an irate bystander/family
member/patient.
Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the heck out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything!
Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the variousstates of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that
weren't dead yet.
Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?
(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch)
A. No patients. Only the paramedic student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack.
Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of 7-11 at 3 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green, pay your money, and take your chances.
Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. No, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.
Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an ambulance out of service so you can get to a routine appointment
for your toothache.
Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.
Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.
Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you aren't going to bug my partner in the back.
Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely.
Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after
too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.
Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?
Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!
Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician
Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks.
Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to church).
A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray pinstripe suit.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooled me into thinking
that this was a hospital that treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an
appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-calinstead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty
much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going
to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24respirations/min, and a blood
pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide
not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I
would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid question.......
Q. How old are you (to a little kid) A. 6,
Q. When will you be 7? A. On my birthday!!!